Monday, June 20, 2005

My life is like falling out of a tree to land perfectly in hammock, only for it's occupant to have taken some Viagra a half hour previous...

So it turns out I'm a superhero. When I get really angry I turn bright green, grow in size, and have incredible strength. I found this out the other day when I couldn't get the table I wanted at the 101. Well, not only is the city suing for damages... I have to face litigation from both Marvel and Universal for libel and copyright infringment. And if I let it get to me, then I'll face another fucking lawsuit. To cope, I've been writing a lot of poetry. And I'm working on writing another bodice ripper under my psuedonym, Alfonso Lasteele. Calgon, take me away.

On the more good news bad news tip, I've started dating Jessica Biel... But the bad news that she's a lesbian, and I've been hired to be her cover. This is part of my reperations with Universal, which also includes pitching ideas for the third film in the Parents/Focker series, which is tenatively titled "Mother Focker." My best pitch involves Mrs. Focker (Babs) opening her own private detection agency. It's like Beautyshop meets Out of the Past, with a little bit of The World According to Garp thrown in for good measure.

Did you know that the latin word for vagina is scabbard, or sheath? well now you know, and don't you forget it.