Jay-Z

Jay-Z has 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one. Problem #1: an unhealthy attitude toward women.

Problem #2: his Tailor has been mistakenly calling him J.D. For years now. Jay tried correcting him in '02, but it didn't take.

Problem #3 (and I quote): "DJ Qualls won't return my calls."

Problem #4: Montgomery Ward's return policies have been amended since he purchased his rideable lawn mower.

Problem #5: Now that he's married, his mother keeps making not-so-subtle hints about grandchildren.

Problem #6: Won't pay B's late fees on SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELLING PANTS 2, so the Blockbuster cashier always smart-eyes him.

Problem #7: He can never find a pair of pants that fit him just the way he likes them.

Problem #8: Loves Ovaltine, but it makes him really gassy.

Problem #9: Every time he sees @iamdiddy, can't help but remember that he lent BIG a c-note before he died. Kinda wants to ask for it.

Problem #10: The cat slept on his favorite T-shirt. Now it's all hairy.

Problem #11: SLEEPAWAY CAMP: not a great movie, but every once in a while Jay wakes up screaming after dreaming about it.

Problem #12: violently alergic to legumes.

Problem #13: always been "husky."

Problem #14: The last person to use the studio before him? Yeah, they definitely farted.

Problem #15: keeps saying that he lost two million in a Fonzie scheme.

Problem #16: Fave film: STARDUST MEMORIES. But still can't get Chris Rock to introduce him to Woody.

Problem #17: Has longed to master the robot, but has never felt he got all the way there.

Problem #18: Even with Selsun Blue, has never quite gotten the dandruff under control.

Problem #19: has an irrational distaste for people who wear red socks.

Problem #20: as his shrink says, like most artists, Jay-Z's swagger is a mask for someone who longs for affirmation and acceptance.

Problem #21: He's never said anything about it, but Rick Rubin's beard creeps him out.

Problem #22: Bill Cosby calls weekly to complain about his use of the word "Jigga.

Problem #23: Psoriasis

Problem #24: Can't shake the gnawing suspicion that Brooklyn may not, in fact, go hard.

Problem #25: Spends an inordinate amount of time trying to be the freshest. Methodically showers 6 times a day.

Problem #26: has mixed feeling about that time, when he was twelve, when actually did Rockafella, y'all.

Problem #27: Parking in New York.

Problem #28: record collection got covered in water during last move. Discs fine, but the covers are ruined.

Problem #29: Can't correctly pronounce "contingent"

Problem #30: past the point of asking weed dealer's real name again. Settles for calling him "my man" and "dawg."

Problem #31: Levar Burton outted him as a Trekker to US magazine.

Problem #32: Has alter-ego: Roca-man. Roca-man likes to fight crime. Mostly Tax injustices, though.

Problem #33: Mo Money.

Problem #34: Every time he gets really drunk, he decides it's time to remove all his body hair. Often wakes up hungover & half-shaved.

Problem #35: Can't get Can't Get You Out Of My Head out of his head .

Problem #36: is a werewolf.

Problem #37: Refers to himself in the third person as Michigan Jones.

Problem #38: Framers totally spilled some shit on his original lobby card for ANNIE.

Problem #39: played phone tag with Michael right before. Regrets deleting last message.

Problem #40: His OCD forces him to flush the toilet three times after a BM.

Problem #41: Oh, yeah, he's got OCD.

Problem #42: Noisy neighbors. Don't you know Jay-Z is trying to read?

Problem #43: Sometimes finds himself agreeing with "that cracker asshole" Bill O'Reilly.

Problem #44: Got Herpes, not from sex, instead from that year in JV wrestling.

Problem #45: every time he goes to Ralph's he feels like they rearranged the store just to mess with him.

Problem #46: It's like every month he has another ingrown toenail.

Problem #47: Bought a Spider Monkey that died after two weeks. Haunted with the thought he mishandled it.

Problem #48: Wants you to want him. Begs you to beg him. Needs you to need him. Hova.

Problem #49: Fantasizes daily about living in those old Dairy Queen commercials where there were fudge rivers & strawberry avalanches.

Problem #50: Doesn't like his personal trainer, but can't dump him without offending Denzel (who recommended the guy)

Problem #51: Though he's famous, he's still black in America. Fuck a white girl paranoia in an elevator (not literally, of course).

Problem #52: Same prank phone call every night for 2 weeks: Some teen screaming, "WHAT'S MY MUTHAFUCKIN' NAME!"

Problem #53: every time he flies, he thinks his plane is going to crash.

Problem #54: Regrets that he passed on having relations with Carla Bruni.

Problem #55: He got a Peace symbol tattoo when he was 16. He could get it removed, but now it's part of him.

Problem #56: looks terrible in a thong.

Problem #57: as a kid, jerked off into relative's Snoopy Snow Cone machine. Makes reunions awkward.

Problem #58: Jadakiss. Just doesn't like that guy.

Problem #59: Forgot the password for his email again. should really write that down somewhere.

Problem #60: Triskaidekaphobia.

Problem #61: hasn't heard back from Chuck D what he thought of Jay's pancake recipe.

Problem #62: Had a samurai sword. Had.

Problem #63: doesn't know how to politely tell B that he thought OBSSESSED stank.

Problem #64: AmEx still won't give him Centurion card even tho he asks nicely. Kanye flaunting his doesn't help.

Problem #65: That math that he didn't learn because "nobody ever needs this in real life"? Turns out rap stars use a LOT of algebra.

Problem #66: has to limit himself to six hours of The History Channel a week.

Problem #67: no one appreciates his spot-on Fredo impression.

Problem #68: mom has not forgiven him for using the phrase "up in them guts" in her presence.

Problem #69: Spent the last 10 yrs trying to learn Mandarin. Still can't say anything beyond "Where's the bathroom?"

Problem #70: will drive with the radio off, absent-mindedly turn down the volume, and then feel awkward.

Problem #71: iTunes shuffle always, without fail, plays "Arthur's Theme."

Problem #72: protracted lawsuit with off-brand version of self Ray-Z

Problem #73: too much e-mail Spam. Blames buying one Girls Gone Wild online (and it wasn't that good).

Problem #74: still bugged that the dealer laughed at him when he said he wanted his ride covered in "fine Corinthian leather"

Problem #75: often fantasizes about giving it all up to run a tanning salon.

Problem #76: Been asking to have the levels turned up on his mike for years, turns out he has some serious hearing loss.

Problem #77: inexplicably prejudiced against Eskimos.

Problem #78: loves his local deli, but he always asks for no mayo and they always add mayo. Why is this so hard?

Problem #79: the trident he purchased off eBay was not "near-mint."

Problem #80: doesn't know what hurts more: the fall, or knowing that he was so heavy he broke the hammock.

Problem #81: Nutritionist put him on a low-salt diet. But salt makes virtually everything taste better.

Problem #82: low sperm count.

Problem #83: sleep apnea

Problem #84: Reception in neighborhood spotty at best. No rhyme or reason for hot or cold spots.

Problem #85: knows that if he died, they'd probably let Hype Williams make the bio-pic.

Problem #86: Always carries a roll, but hates using cash. Way harder to expense shit that way.

Problem #87: No, guy at the pharmacy, I don't want to have a rap battle, I just want my topical calcipotriene.

Problem #88: You can be the President of the united states, Brad Pitt or Jay, it don't matter, EVERYONE waits at the DMV.

Problem #89: Will never get those 84 minutes back from MEET THE SPARTANS.

Problem #90: The Internet keeps recycling the rumor that he ghost-wrote "Who let the dogs out." Has contacted snopes. No reply.

Problem #91: some days he can't get anything done until he gets a mango smoothie.

Problem #92: Snoop Dogg always says to him "you look good, have you lost some weight?" even if he hasn't. And it feels like mockery.

Problem #93: Lebron James texts like a twelve-year-old girl.

Problem #94: New shrink strict Freudian, wants to discuss every time Jay's used the word "motherfucker" in a song.

Problem #95: knows mySpace is dead, and that he should join facebook, but after it and Friendster is tired of uploading all his shit.

Problem #96: Starts sweating way too easily.

Problem #97: nail biter

Problem #98: for reasons he can't disclose, not allowed back in South Dakota

Problem #99: co-owns the New Jersey Nets.

This Isn't Goodbye, Per Se

I have not been blogging a lot lately. I have a wife, a kid, and a kid on the way. I have a full time job, albeit at home, for the time being. I stopped posting. Partly this is because of my wife.

As I have mentioned towards the start of this blog, I want people I know to read this, but I also want to be able to talk about them, and as such I don't like talking about people who might read this and say "that's not the way it happened." There was a time with the wife where she wasn't reading this, and so I could put my thoughts about our relationship on here guilt free. Now I can't. For a while it was fun to have her read me talking about how we were fucking or fighting because it might lead to both. But we've been working through my depression, and it's going well, but it's going with free and open communication. And putting those thoughts on here would make it worse. She doesn't want me to leave those issues for the world to see, and for it to sit for all time. Neither do I.

I have and had dreams of making it in this town. I have grown up to the extent that though I still write, and work on my scripts, I can't pretend to do that full time. Not that I ever have. I have friends in the industry, and things might change at some point or another, but not soon, especially with the strike going. But as I am in another industry for the time being, I have to sate myself with that. The DVD Journal is gone. I'm not really even writing about movies any more. I still watch them, and because my next door neighbor is in a guild, I have seen all the 2007 films of note. To which my list currently would be as such:

1) The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
2) No Country For Old Men
3) There Will Be Blood
4) Into the Wild
5) Zodiac
6) Grindhouse
7) Gone Baby Gone
8 ) Hot Fuzz
9) I'm Not There
10 ) Control
11) Lust, Caution
12) The Mist
13) American Gangster
14) Juno
15) Margot at the Wedding

Of these I saw only a handful in the theater. Most were screener nights at home with the wife. She loved Jesse and no Country, which was a relief. But the highlight of the year was being let out to see Grindhouse with friends the night before it opened. My wife's favorite of the year was Control. She's a Joy Division fan, though. As for DVD's, I still buy them, but the pile keeps getting bigger. There's no time.

Having a kid is excellent. There is a joy I find every day in my son. This is a very true thing, and when people try and express this by the mundanities of their child, it's fitting. You watch something being formed and you hope you damage it only slightly along the way. My son will be watching The Right Stuff before he knows how to talk. And will have him wearing Obama '08 shirts shortly. I want him to believe in hope, and the betterment of mankind.

But the bottom line is I shouldn't even commit to committing to writing stuff here. If I'm going to spend time doing personal writing, I should keep this s a maybe. so this will likely gather dust, like that copy of Last Days I bought two years ago. And there it is.

I just bought 500 Q-Tips

Note to self... 12/4/07. I want to see how long it takes me to go through these.

The lack

For those who still check in... from time to time. From time to time, allow me to say that having a child and having a second on the way means you have to prioritize you time, so talking about Leonard's birthday party, talking about Turkey day, I just have the time. The birthday party was the best part of October, especially considering.

I feel like I need to make quality time for the blog. fortunately I don't have to worry about that with the wife. As of yet.

Not Particularly insightful

But it's shocking to think we live in a world where people are questioning if waterboard is torture. On a every plane of existence, the very practice is designed to be torture. How is this even a question? Oh yeah, cause if it is torture than our president is a liar. This reign is almost over. Thank god. I hope it gets better.

My Father's Funeral

It made me weep. Partly because there were so few mourners who knew my father. Maybe five people of the group (besides the family) could call themselves friends. It was pathetic, in its way. My son behaved accordingly. The wife was fine, though she has begun to show. In my way I couldn't be happier, it deflected attention. My wife and my son and I got my mom's room for the days we were there. My family and my brother got in within a ten minute span, which is impressive. Aili went to bed early, though Len and Len got some time together. But, being the brother I am, on Wednesday we stayed up until 7 am. My mom and my wife spent most of Thursday together, and me and my wife went out Thursday night with old friends. I got drunk, she drived. The funeral was hard, but at least I've got my family with me.

It's still hard. But I've got a new infatuation with my wife, and it's scary and exciting. I didn't know you got this over and over. So exciting.

I am the #2 Houx on Google

I am also around, but kids, man. It's mellowed me.