Sax and Violins

I was on the phone with a friend yesterday, and they complained about the upped sexual content. I apologize. I figured out what it was. My day is routine. I get up when the baby needs something (which has become nearly clockworkish), generally crash out (Though sometimes I get online for a bit), get up around 7 or 8, go take a walk to the grocery store, either buy a Diet Pepsi, or get groceries for the day (optional: take the baby with), work for a couple hours and tend to the baby, have lunch with the wife, go back to work, start fixing dinner, eat dinner with the wife, tend to the baby, watch a movie or something we Tivo'd, tend to the baby, maybe get some personal writing done, go to bed. That's been the last four months in a nutshell.

Fucking is the only variable. And then this blog entered into it. And now Aili reads it, and we're using it to get excited about sex. Or she is (note to Aili: SNAP). So o course I write about the least routine thing in my life. Of course I do.

Like a cat dunked into water

I have a couple close friends out here, but by the nature of this town, it's never very easy to see many of them, and now with the kid, near impossible. One of my oldest, Sarah, came by for dinner last night. Sarah's been in a couple of movies, and we've always been just friends, and for about two years straight every weekend we went out dancing together. She moved to LA in 2002-ish, and we've only recently reconnected after literally running into each other on the street, and so I thought I should have her over to meet the baby. After she left I got an ear full. And I guess I understand, though I've had female friends all my life, you essentially have to work together, or go to school together to enjoy a solid platonic bond. Otherwise, those sort of friendships are as Chris Rock described, situations where you wanted to date, but ended up in the friendzone. And women know that so when you have a female friend who's attractive it can bring up a lot of issues. Basically, it can make a woman feel like silver or a bronze. But Sarah and I used to work together, and it's just never been there with us. It's kind of strange, too, I can't think of any point in our relationship where I was even thinking about it. Somethimes there's a bell curve effect, where attractions wax or wane, and I can't think of that point with us, though I've known Sarah for about ten years now, so perhaps I literally can't remember.

Sarah knew what was going on and tried to roll with it, but we have a relationship, so it's easy for us to fall into paterns, and then there's my wife. She feels unattractive, doesn't like having sex with me, but sometimes forces herself to. This is easily the worst and tenderest part of our relationship right now. Four months ago, she literally couldn't get enough of my sexin', and that was a little bit awkward for me when she was superpregnant. But I soldiered on. Now it's sort of a damend if you do, damned if you don't thing. I think we both fake how tired we are sometimes. I'm still sort of imprisoned by her, because if I jerk off in the interim, she can tell by my ejaculant. I'm sure everyone wanted to know that. The funny thing is, even though the sex can be rather mechanical, I still get off. My wife can give me a half hearted blowjob, and it works every time. I could return the favor, and have and sometimes if a woman don't want to, she won't, no matter how long you go. It's such a sad comment on me. So anyway, the wife kinda hates Sarah right now, and of course she wanted to have sex last night. She was literally cursing me out in Finnish, it was angry almost scary sex, but for the first time since the baby she had an orgasm. The kind that should have woken the baby, if she wasn't literally biting a pillow (she was however shaking the bed quite a bit). And after she did, I held her as she cried for about fifteen minutes. Last night I had all the baby duties. I kind of want to ask if that was the most intense one she's ever had, but if it isn't I really don't want to know.

Reformatting/Suomi

This is taking too long, and though the kid has me up, and though this is fun, I won't be done for at least a week with this. Hey guess what? I'm going to Finland. As mean as it is to take Leonard on a flight this young, we'll be in first class, cause Aili's parents are flying us. I'm gone from the 21st through the week (get back on the 28th). Maybe Ill update over there, but who's to say. This goes under the label: Wife.

Baby on Board

My father used to do something when I drove with him. Whenever we stopped hard, he put his hand in front of me, even when I was past being a teenager. That instinct hit me in full force today as we were all in the car tooling around Burbank. This is California, dude, and there are some bad drivers here (though not the sort of bad drivers that are in smaller towns, it's a different sort of bad). Anyway, the hand flung out in front of my wife when shit got stupid.
We're okay, but I get it now.

Part Two of "A Clean Thicket" The wife likes it. I figured I've got about a month of her upkeep, then maybe two months of me doing it myself. Then her prodding me to go back. But since it was her idea, if I'm obstinant I'm an asshole, and if I'm too compliant, I'm whipped. Strange how such decisions are decided by ego. So far, I could care less. I'd probably grow a beard if she liked it or I thought it would look like I was trying to force a chin that I aldready have (most guys with goatees look like they're trying to be taken seriously, or are fat or awkward and trying to hide their soft spot). But even then, beards require upkeep, so the shave every other day is just as easy, if not more so. My wife said something today about how you marry not because you want to fuck the other person but because you know it'll be okay when you don't. I don't know what that has to do with other, but I think it meshes in a way.

My wife shaved my balls

I don't know how I feel about this. As a dude, I've never really cared about having a neat "area" or cared about a woman's neat area. The wife, however, is pretty meticulous. And so, when we were in the shower this morning, she decided to give me a haircut and a shave. Since I work at home, there's not a lot of moving around and stuff, but it does feel a bit more airy down there. I will report back when I have more definitive findings.

The wife is enjoying Little Miss Sunshine way more than I am

Fuck.

Christmas

I'm mixed on this one. We decided not to get a tree as we're flying to Portland in a couple of days. The two hour flight time made the whole idea palatable, and it'll be nice to have a coupleof days where we aren't 100% baby-centric. We don't have a lot of Christmas decorations around, and we live in Los Angeles. And hell, we're not Christians. But I feel a tinge that we don't have a tree for Leonard's first holiday go around.

Aili and I had a big fight. Basically she told me that the sex we've been having is rough on her physically, and she hasn't been enjoying it much. The body is still recovering, but I thought, well, fuck, what do I know. I told her she could have just said something, but of course she didn't and for good reasons. "I didn't know it when I met you, but at some point I knew you'd be my real husband." Heh. Basically she said that now that we're actually a couple, and have a child, the whole real marriage aspect of our marriage has been a little hard to get used to. While she was pregnant it was the ride, but now the reality of our life, and our commitment to each other weighs more heavily on us both. We don't get the chance to walk away amicably whenever we want because we now have a mutual responsibility for the rest of our lives. Or at least that's the way I look at it. Long story short: She was humoring me. So I said something about looking at more gossip sites to take care of business when needed, but that I respect her needs. I just didn't want it to be an issue that sometimes I just need to have sex/etc. Such a strange conversation, which ended with a compromise, and the sentence "You won't resent me when you go down on me, will you?" And then we re-enacted my favorite scene from Goodfellas. And then we realized that oral sex makes the world go round.

I feel weird about the whole thing, still do, but when you're in a relationship for long enough, you realize that there are some issues that resolve themselves, and you have to trust that your partner will be mostly honest about things. On one hand I don't want her to do something just to please me, but on the other I would rather she be involved with it when sometimes she may not want to. It's a paradigm shift, and a hard one. I have to try to ask for sex only when I "need it," and she has to try to understand that this is just simply part of biological urges, something I feel I have little control over, especially when I have such a foxy wife, who I sleep next to. Yesterday I had some morning lumber, and I was worried it might offend her. But she just grabbed it and laughed.

Up with the baby

My life is routine. Baby Baby Baby. Baby Baby Baby. Baby Baby Baby. I got that feeling, uh, baby baby I got that feeling. Anything going on? More baby talk, not about this one. I'm talking to Aili that I think we should wait to try until the summer. Have the second in Feb-March. Maybe even April. Keep the kids birthdays apart and away from Xmas. Still we've been fucking without protection a lot lately. Aili doesn't want to go on the pill, and we're fucking married, so condoms? Maybe we'll get a diaphram or something. I might use condoms, but Aili's attitude is also that she's not a fan. I got The Electric Company Set 2 for the kid (it was on sale, will get the first shortly). Wish I had drugs to watch it with him. Presents keep coming in. Very nice. I mean we had to pony up for a lot of stuff, like the crib, and the first set of clothes, and fucking diapers are insane. We're still trying to figure out Christmas. There's talk of going to Portland. Baby on a Plane, not crazy about it, but it's a two hour flight, so it's not as mean. If we go through Burbank, then, I don't know. I've been going on about four hours of sleep a night.

Turkey Baby Day

Aili and I dragged Leonard out to join some friends for Thanksgiving. This week has been odd. I've been doing work as a System Analyst for a couple months now, and I got called in for a meeting on Friday last week. It was a two hour drive for a review, and three hour drive back. Honestly I was a little nervous, it was a review to determine my future with the company, and frankly I'm happy with what's going on right now. And with the drive, and getting there early and grabbing lunch it was the longest I've been away from the wife and kid since we had him. The meeting went better than I thought, they offered me a bump, and then dangled a desk job. I told them that I just had a baby and that I had to pass. It was scary. But they extended my assignment for the next six months, and I guess I'll have to come back for a review then. They didn't freak out over the baby, which is good. I work about forty hours a week, but because of the kids, it's an odd forty. Sometimes I'll put an hour or two in at three or four in the morning if I can't get back to sleep. Since I'm gonna be home a lot with the kid in the near future, I often will take the kid and take care of his needs in the odd hours out of practice. I hear this gets better at some point. But the meeting and time alone, after the meeting, so just see the possiblities of life, you know, and some of the weight of my responsibilities kicked in. I'm stuck on the 405, and I started crying. Life changes. And there you go. The iPod kicked in on Eliot Lipp's Like No Tomorrow, and I kept hitting repeat. And repeat. Couldn't get enough. It just hit home. With no lyrics.

Turkey day was great. Leonard behaved himself, and me and P. Diddy and some friends and God were all there. Both meand the wife had a couple drinks and let our kid socialize, as it were, with the gang. I don't know if God would ever take credit, he tends to suggest free will when pushed, but Leonard totally behaved the entire time. It was nice and relaxed. And I was in love again, in love with my life.

Oh yeah, my reviews for the week:
Hands over the City
Sergeant York
Sweetie

The only DVD worth buying for the next couple...

The Host/Borat/Mom/Shopping for Illusionary Pussy

I saw The Host. It's now my second favorite movie of the year. It was directed by Bong Joon-ho, who was at the screening. I had this planned with my boys before the wife spit the kid out, and with my mom in town, it was okay that I went. I really enjoyed the movie, but it fucks you up to leave your kid at home after being so attentive for the last couple. It was a relief, but it's still hard to leave behind. The film is coming out in January, and you ahve no excuse not to see it.

Saturday night my mom let us go out for dinner and a movie. Aili wanted to see Borat. It's funny to hear a Finnish girl do a Kazakh accent, but she nails it. Aili also loves it because it makes fun of both Americans and the Eastern Europeans. It's a two-fer. Aili had a glass of wine at dinner, but then stopped herself, thinking about the kid and the milk. That shit's fucked up yo. She still hasn't made up her mind if she's quit smoking or not. Mostly, she's worried about the weight, and most mornings now, now that she's at least a little back to it, she tries to put some time on our exercise bike. We both loved Borat, BTW.

Having Mom here (she's leaving tomorrow) was nice for the break factor. She gave us both some time to not deal with the baby, though we both are very much in the headspace where even though we might want that a little, we can't keep ourselves away. Aili's not due back in the office until mid-January, but she's already doing some things from home. Just cause. Mom got a little testy because we're both so ragged. And then on Saturday, on the way home, I slipped and tweaked my glasses. Right now it's tough, it's so incredibly tough when it comes to money, and we just paid the rent, and though Aili's still salaried for her absence, and I'm working, baby's cost money, and there's so many new expenditures. Though the glasses weren't broken, the thought of both being sightless (my only pair), and having to buy new ones set off panic attacks. Mom sort of helped by saying she'd help, but it's just the way things are. It's so tense because we're starting to build up more and more credit card debt. Part of that is just one time expendatures, but budgeting with children is difficult. And sometimes we're both horrible about getting our son stuff. We find it hard to say no to him. I took the glasses in and they were fixed in an instant, but that was fourteen hours of pure stress.

This morning I took the kid out for some shopping at our local Ralphs. Like most parents, I don't get more than a couple hours sleep in a row, so I took the kid with me this morning and let my wife and mom sleep in a bit. But by the time the two of us were ready to get going, my mom was up and did the normal mom thing by doing some cleaning. I said I'd be back in a bit, and offered to have her join us, but she was happy cleaning our bathroom. Moms be crazy. By the way, I'm finally at about B- level at diaper changing.

Here's the funny thing, it's 9:30, I'm shopping at Ralphs looking mostly like a zombie, but women just can't keep away from a baby. I looked fine, but everyone likes to stop and stare for a minute. Hot thirty-year-old women love my baby. I'm too tired to flirt them up, but it's a weird catch 22. And I get it, they don't want me that much, and the reason why they are so flirty is that babies tend to bring that out, and they know I'm safe, but being all daddy with baby is just sick when it comes to that. But that phermonal sign that I'm a breeder, and that I take care of my own is dangerous shit.

I'm reminded of a time I went out to lunch with the head of a company I worked for with a bunch of my coworkers, and the waitress was flirting with me. After she left that came up though mostly between us, and I said "Oh, you noticed that?" His response was "Well, yeah. I'm alive." Me too, I'm alive too. But I love my wife and life. So there you go.

TiVo in the bedroom

I'm in my work room, and we're going to watch some catch up stuff tonight. South Park, 30 Rock, and The Office here in a minute. We've got the wedding anniversary in a little over a week, and this is my two year Anni for being in Los Angeles. Working from home is a trip, but with the baby and the wife here, and my mom coming in tomorrow it's harder to get work done than I like. I still make it work, and sometimes I'll be cradling my kid at two in the morning and filling out some spread sheets. SWEET. Leonard likes Granddaddy, not so crazy about Arcade Fire, likes BSS okay, and gets on great with Sufjan. Which is good. I haven't exposed the kid to any Rat-A-Tat or Dr. Dre yet. Maybe when the wife isn't around. Post Pregnancy sex is weird. Part physically, part psychologically - Aili's body is functionally different for the time being so things we used to do are different. Then again I've spent much of the marriage having sex with her while she's pregnant. We'll get there. Though also, you know, it's like the baby is always close by. I'm mean it's kind of weird to make out with your wife and gear up and then Baby issues! So if we do do anything we have to wait until the kid has just conked out, and sometimes timing stuff like that is fun, other times it's so totally unerotic that we stop before we start. We're already having the second kid talks. I think we wont make up our mind on that for another couple of months, though. I'm for it, but fiscally, it's going to be a little harder, and there's talk of moving to Portland or possibly elsewhere. It's also going to be a while before Aili can go back with me in tow to Finland, which is difficult in and of itself, or at least it's one of my wife's talking points. My guess is we'll make it through one of the shows (22 minutes, shit) before one of us passes out. That's why they call it TiVo, I guess. Maybe we'll try and fuck. Doubt it. Cause that sounds erotic, don't it?

I have become boring

Though we didn't go out tonight, the baby spent the day in a Tigger baby outfit. I've talked to the wife about it, she knows about the blog but doesn't want to read it, and I've had a no pictures policy in the past, I don't like putting pictures of myself up on the internet, and I sure as shit don't want to put my family up here. But... Leonard ... Is... So... Damn... Cute...

David Cross did a whole routine about how parents get fucking boring. He's kind of right.

Amoeba/Sympathy Blow Job

Went to Amoeba the other day, such the best store in LA. Or my favorite. Got Modern Romance, a present for my friend Jeremy (alas, baby duties kept me away from his party), and some other things. I got a bag for my discs, and when I touched the bag it was wet. It was an insta whoa, and then I smelled my finger. It was gin. Huzzah! Drunkards ahoy hoy. This amused me to no end.

I feel sorta weird cause I got a pity BJ from the wife. She's not up for fucking. I don't know if I'm totally all "yeah let's get it on!" but as a man with seed, after about a week or so I start getting squirley. And Aili noticed, and though it's been a busy week and a half, and I've been on temporary leave with the J and still working from home, we put the baby to sleep yesterday and Aili whipped my pants off. Aili also went from a B cup to milk filled, so that's sorta fun too. TMI, for sure, but there's something (at least now) kind of thrilling of hoping to get finished before the baby wakes up again. I mean, if this was really TMI I'd talk about breast milk. I mean, sometimes that stuff leaks. Okay, shit, I've tasted it, but suckling (besides stealing from my son) was too enfantlizing. But even playing with them, they can squirt. We've got a pump, but still.

Aili got a three month leave. My mom is coming in a week for four days (on a road trip), and my bro's coming at some point soon. In a couple months I'll be working at home and being the primary care person. Fuck me.

Home again

We're home, crazy week. Tiring. And now we've got the baby. You don't sleep as much, that's for sure. Maybe I'll get to fuck again in a month or two. Maybe I'll get a full night's sleep in a year. Great. Great.

Born to feel the Illinoise

When I was at a wedding a couple weeks back I played for the Bride "After the Curtain" by Beirut. To me that song is the wedding. When my wife started having contractions late last night we drove to Illinois. For some reason Aili wanted a boom box while she was in labor (we were going to induce at the end of the week), and so it was mostly Sufjan Stevens who was to be played as our baby came into the world. I must say I agreed with this idea to no end, and besides, it helped things out for her end. We made an iPod playlist excising stuff like John Wayne Gacy Jr. (and almost exed Casimir Pulaski Day, but I made an appeal that held), threw on some Talking Heads (Naive Melody [This must be the Place] was the big one, Once in a Lifetime though it seemed too cheesed). I got away with a recent addition of Arcade Fire's Rebellion (Lies), some Beirut, some Mathew Sweet, some BSS, and Prince's Erotic City simply to fuck with the nurses (I love my wife that she let me get away with that). We just let it play at random while the contractions got closer and closer.

At 8:27 am on 10/16/2006 (that being a Monday), Aili gave birth to Leonard Evind Houx. As it was it was Vito's Ordination Song that was on when he popped out, here are the lyrics to that song:

I always knew
You
In your mothers arms
I have called your name
I have an idea
Placed in your mind
To be a better man
I've made a crown
For you
Put it in your room
And when the bride groom comes
There will be noise
There will be glad

And a perfect bed

And when you write a poem
I know the words, I know the sounds
Before you write it down,

When you wear your clothes,
I wear them too, I wear your shoes.
And the jacket too

I always knew
you
In your mother’s arms
I have called you son.
I’ve made amends
between
Father and son.

And if you haven’t won
rest in my arms,
sleep in my bed,
there’s a design

(repeat about twenty times):
to what i did and said
rest in my arms,
sleep in my bed,
there’s a design

Jesus, that's making me cry. Even cutting and pasting the lyrics. That song (for better or worse) will now be cemented into my life. I think for better (better than Once in a Lifetime... lucky me).

I'm near my wife, who's asleep right now, working off some wireless. We're both exhausted. Her more than me, obviously. The nurse told me I spent all night trying to keep everyone entertained. I guess I kept checking up on everyone. I've napped off and on during the day, had to run home to get some stuff around noonish when Aili was just passed out. I've spent some brief quality time with our kid.

And writing that sentence, it's just too much right now, it's too overwhelming. I can't type right about it anymore now, sorry. Just, you know, so you know, right now being a father feels pretty fucking awesome. And I'm not using awesome lightly.

Losing my internet cleverness

Damn it, I'm getting old. I'm married, I'm about to have a kid. I've got a job I do at home now because I want to be around the kid. I have a house. I married off two of my best friends to each other. They're gonna have kids at some point. Our kids will hang out. The map of my life is getting scary. I don't forsee myself getting a divorce, so I'm gonna be fucking one more person for a long time. I think I've tried all the drugs I'm going to try. I'm just freaking out a little bit cause in less than a month, I'm a dad. I guess we'll go abroad at some point in the next two years, but that'll be family related. This was never the person I thought I'd be. But I don't know who that person is. Fuck. Fuck Fuck. This is all just baby freakout shit.

So pregnant

Do you guys really want to hear about how my wife is getting rather pregnant? I've had a bunch of social engagements lately, and been able to take the wife to half of them. She was bad about it a month ago, but she knows. Then again, it's all about the game. The game of love. I've been watching the Rohmer box set and it's great. But I swears to god, I'll post more soon. When I don't have to deal with a pregnant wife, a kid, a job, and scripts to write.

ergh

I'm watching Amazing Stories Disc One and the Spielberg directed GHOST TRAIN. Which is the worst thing I've seen him direct. Ever. Compared to THE MAIN ATTRACTION, which is great. I'm worried about GATHER YE ACORNS, which freaked me out as a kid. Mark Hamill plays a guy who hangs on to all his toys, and is given all his dreams when he's, like 80. That shit scared me something fierce back then. The biggest problems with these is that most of them aren't geared towards the 30 minute structure and feel uneven.

The move is pretty much done at this point. Thanks for all the friends who helped, you literally saved my life. Next time we move, next time I'm not going to do it in the middle of an LA summer. Or go to Portland the weekend or two before. Still, we're so far along with this pregnancy thing that I'm going to have to make an effort to blog more. Find some hidden time.

"That Just Happened!"

Things are going fine, I guess. Aili has got a good glow. I won't be a pussy and talk about how I cried when I felt my son kick, but I did. So, to measure that out, pregnant fucking is awesome.

Returning to Portland

Went to the P-Town this weekend with the wife. For those I didn't see, I'm sorry. It was a weird trip. Showing the wife where I grew up. Introducing her, such as it was, to my father. I had a great time. My friend Heather turned 30 on Thursday so I came into town to hang with her, but also the wife is getting there (we're at the sixth month point now) so it's going to be hard to travel after the kid's born.

Being in Portland again, this time the differences were acute. Driving around with Scott, he mentioned traffic, and my response was "Yeah, Portland traffic."There were a couple of moments like that. But hanging out with my mom while we shopped at Zupan's, there is a lot that I miss about Portland. I mean the bottom line is that (for better or worse) Portland is way less serious a town. You feel comfortable looking at the people walking around you because you're likely to see someone you know walking around. And I did, just walking around, I'd see people I knew. Someone I dated seven years ago. Strange. In Los Angeles, you're more likely to see a celebrity than an old friend. And the town doesn't seem a openly social, maybe because it's so spread out and nuts, whereas even New York features more carousing. It's just that much smaller, but it's so beautiful. Coming back, it was sort of depressing, especially in this heat.

But I got to spend a huge chunk of time with Scott and Heather, and they got to hang around my wife. You find your rhythms. And you hope your wife likes your friends cause that's gonna be a problem if they don't. I got a couple with Scott and Heath hung with the wife, and it went super well. I think they became fast friends. Heath had a party for her birthday, and it was superfun, introducing my wife to people I ahdn't seen in a while. Doing Karaoke. Though the wife was not happy with how much I drank. To which I feel bad.

The dad thing. Hard. Very hard.