Damon's Definitive Rankings of the Marvel Cinematic Universe

So, um, most days at some point I feel an existential dread. As an adult male I would like to have a family and children, but also the world is GD F'd right now that it seems like that's an act of sadism, and we've got a moron at the wheel acting like he's in the midst of a cocaine-fueled commitment to a bad decision. And that moron is lauded by at least a sizeable chunk of America's population and I live in California and it disgusts me that so many states like mine subsidize the lives of the people who are making this country worse. I hope the whole left coast secedes if we get a second term of the noxious terrorist. Republicans are basically evil at this point as there is no policy arguments any more. It's all personal stuff, which should have been left out in the first place, but basically they all seem like bad boys waiting for their spanking, which never comes because we never hold successful white men accountable.

And this is because the Republican party is dying and it knows it and it wants to take everyone down with it. Because Trump is the last electable Republican presidential candidate and they know this. But then also, his election was a fluke and may have been partly caused/helped by Russian interference, but we're not going to look into that.

Here's my pet conspiracy theory: There is a rise of incest porn in pornography. I found this out due to a Mark Ronson podcast about the death of porn star August Ames, which is so weird I wish I knew more about it. Also, I mean, I've been to Pornhub, and it's not exactly subtle how much of it is "hot step-someone f's me." Do we know if this is because of Russian hacking? Do we know why Incest is a super popular porn thing, or maybe it's popular because of bad people trying to make the world worse? Or should we look at how many people have Oedipus complexes? Because we live in a shame-based society, no one is going to talk about this until it's too late. Just in the same way culture is becoming weaponized. Fucking I love RICK AND MORTY and the last thing I want to see is more RICK AND MORTY because of the way culture has turned it into this thing. Similar to DIE HARD. I love that movie, stop the XMAS discussion already, it's "Sylvester Stallone put on 20 pounds to be in COPLAND" level of discourse. But every year, every couple of months it arises again.

23. THOR - This is the film that most shows Marvel's growing pains. They hire Branagh, who's main thing seems to be Dutch Angles, and then split between the immense size of Asgard and the tax rebates of New Mexico. Also, it's a non-origin origin movie. Fuck this.

22. THE INCREDIBLE HULK - Ang Lee's movie is a masterpiece of Freudian discourse. The follow up is like "SMASH." And as such it's perfectly watchable and instantly forgettable.

21. AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON: Joss Whedon is a terrible director. There are good things in this movie, but see the first sentence.  

20.  AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR: I don't like spending 149 minutes on set ups that aren't paid off.

19. SPIDER-MAN: FAR FROM HOME: Jake G is great in this movie, but it - like THOR and IRON MAN 2 - feels like it's too busy servicing things that aren't directly a part of the narrative.

18. IRON MAN 2: For a long time this was the bottom entry, but ENDGAME makes it slightly more interesting. After it Marvel films get pretty watchable. Also, it posits that Bill O'Reilly is a HYDRA agent.

17. DOCTOR STRANGE So much legwork to set up weird shit that eventually becomes normied. Cinematic gentrification.

16. ANT-MAN AND THE WASP: Pleasant room temperature.

15. ANT-MAN: No Comment.

What do we do? Do we revolt? Are we afraid of dying? On some level I am and on another I'm not. Like, what does it mean that I'm willing to suffer and die for something I believe in while still worrying every god damn day about the fucking rent which seems reasonable for where I live, but then I don't know how long I'll get to stay due to the world being what it is right now. For much of my time in LA I had places where the rent was a thousand bucks or under. Partly due to roommates and whatnot. If I move any time in the near future getting a place for under $1500 seems unlikely. And it's not like there's an equal move to pay me more, so how would I have money to pay for what Fox News would call inessentials like, you know, a nice meal out from time to time.

14. GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY - Parental issues mixed with the remix factors of this move make me actively not like it while also enjoying the surface pleasures. Like eating McDonald's it is both filling and garbage.

13. SPIDER-MAN: HOMECOMING - I wish they made a sequel to this movie. Michael Keaton and Donald Glover are the main reasons why this ranks so high, but Marvel's run on Spidey is best in his guest appearances in other movies.

12. CAPTAIN MARVEL - This movie is perfectly fine.

11. THE AVENGERS - This movie shouldn't work and is actively terrible for at least thirty to forty minutes. Whedon can't direct to save his dick and yet... Fuck me when it works it fucking works.

10. IRON MAN - The basic-est bitch of the MCU, this movie succeeds because of casting and tone. As a story it's fine, but Robert Downey Jr. - who will probably spend the rest of his life trying to walk away from the character that cemented his legacy - is perfect, and created the archetype that the franchise needs to move away from.

9. THOR: THE DARK WORLD - Am I ranking this way too high? Probably, but I think if the film had anything more than a television director, it would be (for everyone else that is) a top ten Marvel movie. The third act is stellar and it turned Thor into "God Jack Burton" a film before RAGNAROK did. (this also points out that most Marvel movies are three star efforts - Sorry not sorry)

8. AVENGERS: ENDGAME - This movie is a failure on so many levels, but only because there was way too much it had to accomplish. So it focuses on some things it can get right and forgets the rest. All the talk about time travel and everything that happens because of it is perfect nonsense because the film is about giving you a boner when the CGI dudes beat up the bigger CGI dude. I spent ten years watching these films and I'm happy they've ended some shit even if it felt like contractual obligation deaths.

7. CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER - If this film had a stronger third act, instead of "Shit we need to happen for THE AVENGERS" it would easily be the best Marvel movie.

6. CAPTAIN AMERICAN: CIVIL WAR - I'm sorry, Giant-Man is better than most things.

5. GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 2 -  There are few sequels (outside of THOR) that really up their game by diving into what's there. And if the first film was about family this film is about FAMILY and it fucking nails it on a galaxy brain level. There is the family we have and the family we can choose and I prefer it's Freudian noodlings to the first film, perhaps because it's unintentionally a remake of ANG LEE's MOTHERFUCKING HULK.

4. IRON MAN 3: The Third act is CGI  explosion meh (ON A FUCKING SHIPYARD which has been a set piece for at least two recent action movies previous on top of LETHAL WEAPON 2), but as a course correction for the franchise and as a stealth sequel to KISS KISS BANG BANG, it's aces.

3. CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER - Hey, did you know, Republicans are Nazis? Seems crazy, right?

2. THOR: RAGNAROK - This is the DIE HARD of Marvel movies. Perfect popcorn.

1. BLACK PANTHER - I don't think this is a flawless movie, but I don't think the Marvel franchise is anywhere close to being more than "somewhat thoughtful franchise film-making." Mostly they're some basic bitch shit and pretending otherwise is ridiculous (even if I enjoy them). But this is the one that suggests there is a glass ceiling to the MCU and that eventually it will be broken. Because having its final fight on an underground railroad... It's at once subversive and submersive. I want more Wakanda.

I don't know if I care about Marvel going forward. I don't know if I care about Star Wars going forward. We've hit the breaking point. I don't know if I care about Hollywood moving forward. Because we move every day closer to COUPON: THE MOVIE and I like it when art explores things, and currently we're at a point where art doesn't make people want to question anything. STRAW DOGS is a great movie and I want more cinema like that - purposely transgressive, not "I'm a racist in sheep's clothes" transgressive - but I also get that when you have to deal with so much external chaos it's hard to want to examine yourself/society. And I hope we get to some place that allows that level of discourse to return, but as long as we're having active shooting drills instead of banning guns, that's not going to happen.

0. HULK - This movie is better than any MCU film by substantial margins and if you don't agree you're wrong.