Saturday, December 31, 2005

The worst film experiences I had this year

There are probably some films I could put on this list that would be less memorable (such as the exorable THE CAVE [my review will be available for perusal tomorrow]) and more awful, but here's a couple of bad experiences I had with the lady love of my life that's not Finnish.

THE HONEYMOONERS: Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously are you fucking kidding me? An outdated classic updated starring Cedric the Entertainer and Mike Epps? You're kidding right?

SERENITY: I saw this at one of the first test screenings and haven't gone back. I've been told the finished film is better, though I doubt the structure or writing or acting changed, and completed CGI effects ain't gonna change how I feel about the film. The Joss Whedon phenomenon is something I don't understand, and I wonder if with Buffy (the show that has netted him most of his love) much of the success had to do with the show's other writers. Gene Roddenberry was the worst Star Trek writer and Chris Carter wrote the worst X-Files episodes, one wonders if the same could be same of Whedon, especially when television writing's possessory credits are so maleable. Anyway, the film was garbage, and the clever writing that Whedon's known for feels so god damned forced, and - as I always go back to - having a character deliver dialogue before he dies is such a hackneyed conceit, the fact that it happens three god damned times is inexcusible. And Whedon can't direct action to save his fucking life. If the film was a minor bad beforehand, the fanbase's actions towards this film are inexecusible, though they quickly seemed to align themselves with Scientologists as scary to the mainstream. Your film flopped, and you should just be happy you got it. Now shut the fuck up.

ELIZABETHTOWN: Some were worried this would be GARDEN STATE REDUX. And it was and it wasn't, in that this was an entirely different sort of horrible. Cameron Crowe has lost touch with reality, and this film - though with some nice grace notes - is the sort of embarassment that should be publically flogged.

STAR WARS EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE SITH: Hey, Scott, I love you, don't ever forget that. But few films filled me with the sense of shock and awe as SITH, from the begining to the end, just a horribly depressing experience of missed opportunities, tone deaf cutting and acting, and it's not even worth talking about. ULTIMATE POWER! ULTIMATE POWER!

THE BAD NEWS BEARS: What a missed opportunity, or at least with the talents involved, it should have been something more than unfunny.

And that's my negative rant for the day.