Christmas

I'm mixed on this one. We decided not to get a tree as we're flying to Portland in a couple of days. The two hour flight time made the whole idea palatable, and it'll be nice to have a coupleof days where we aren't 100% baby-centric. We don't have a lot of Christmas decorations around, and we live in Los Angeles. And hell, we're not Christians. But I feel a tinge that we don't have a tree for Leonard's first holiday go around.

Aili and I had a big fight. Basically she told me that the sex we've been having is rough on her physically, and she hasn't been enjoying it much. The body is still recovering, but I thought, well, fuck, what do I know. I told her she could have just said something, but of course she didn't and for good reasons. "I didn't know it when I met you, but at some point I knew you'd be my real husband." Heh. Basically she said that now that we're actually a couple, and have a child, the whole real marriage aspect of our marriage has been a little hard to get used to. While she was pregnant it was the ride, but now the reality of our life, and our commitment to each other weighs more heavily on us both. We don't get the chance to walk away amicably whenever we want because we now have a mutual responsibility for the rest of our lives. Or at least that's the way I look at it. Long story short: She was humoring me. So I said something about looking at more gossip sites to take care of business when needed, but that I respect her needs. I just didn't want it to be an issue that sometimes I just need to have sex/etc. Such a strange conversation, which ended with a compromise, and the sentence "You won't resent me when you go down on me, will you?" And then we re-enacted my favorite scene from Goodfellas. And then we realized that oral sex makes the world go round.

I feel weird about the whole thing, still do, but when you're in a relationship for long enough, you realize that there are some issues that resolve themselves, and you have to trust that your partner will be mostly honest about things. On one hand I don't want her to do something just to please me, but on the other I would rather she be involved with it when sometimes she may not want to. It's a paradigm shift, and a hard one. I have to try to ask for sex only when I "need it," and she has to try to understand that this is just simply part of biological urges, something I feel I have little control over, especially when I have such a foxy wife, who I sleep next to. Yesterday I had some morning lumber, and I was worried it might offend her. But she just grabbed it and laughed.