Tuesday, March 27, 2007

It's so hard... to say Goodbye... to Yesterday.

Though it was there Friday night, by Saturday afternoon it was gone, and has not been sighted since. It was a good run, though, almost a full week. And now I'm left with all the memories. If only I had a collection of images to run under a music montage to help me deal with the grief. If only I had more contest entries. Alas. I can dream can't I?

Baby stuff. Keeps you busy. Also I had a huge freak-out last week, just emotionally fragile and all that, paranoia, the worst of it. And then I realized it was because I cut out the caffeine in my life. Again. I had some tea last night, but otherwise, it's been a week of no diet Pepsi. And it's going well, all things.

This shit is boring me. Fucking. Like, lots of it.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Day 3 of Dildo on Day Four

A real rain came yesterday, but it didn't wash the real trash from the streets. Sad. In the greatest way possible.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

The Dildo is still there!


It is still in the street. Earlier I though it was gone, but it must have been parked over. That, or someone gave it a test run and decided it wasn't to their liking. Or it went for a walk. Really, the possibilities are endless. I tried to take a picture of it, but it was too dark. Day 3 pictures tomorrow if it is still there. Which, fingers crossed, it will be.

This is the greatest thing in the history of the world. The Greatest.

And please, work on your essays/stories/poems/songs/artwork.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Dildo-Gate: Day 2 - The Wife's Reaction

"Jesus, Damon, it's a sex toy. It's not like we don't have any!"
- Aili Houx 3/18/07 4:52 PM

My wife is not as thoroughly amused by this as I am. Then again, emotionally I'm twelve, so it all works out. There were two girls (one smoking) nearby when I spotted it. I wanted to mention it to them, but I had to fight that part of my mind. Still. Here, for you I share. The Dildo.

Entry #1 (with apologies to wcw)

The Black Dildo

so much depends

a black

flecked with

in an L.A.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

I saw a Dildo in the middle of the street!!!

Enter the Erratic Thriller writing contest! I was walking the kid and saw a dildo lying in the street! I had to take a picture of it. I toook a walk later this evening, and it was still there!

Here it is!

Email me at Damonhoux@yahoo.com and tell me the story of this dildo. All entries will be published, though if my name is used in the story it will likely be changed to your name. Or some famous person.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

My snap is all SNAP SNAP SNAP.

If my brother can be critical of my spelling errors on his blog, let me point out that in his latest post Damien Hurst is mispelled Damine Hirst, and also "Or maybe it is just the fact that the dude actually looks like he wear more foundation than Rupaul." There's a missing s in there.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

She smells like Sea sex / Home daddy

My first week of solo parenting has gone well. My sleeping pattern is fucked, but otherwise things are going okay. Wifey gets up around sixish, pumps what she's got, tends, gets dressed and heads to work. I wake up with her for a bit, give polite morning kisses (which I'm not crazy about, but you get used to them as a parent), and then go back to sleep until Lee wakes me up whenever. Usually it's about three hours later. I sit with him, do my work, then we take a nice long lunch break. Generally we go for a walk. We'll see how long that lasts. There's a Ralph's nearby, so we sometimes go there, get stuff. Walkable stuff. Get back, do a little bit more work, cradle the baby for a bit, maybe throw on a background movie, and then Aili gets home around seven-ish. I tend to make dinner these days, and I'm getting better as a cook. We allow ourselves a glass of wine. Aili's gotten better about not smoking, but when she drinks too much, it's always a temptation. But we both have to think about Lee, so that's that.

Today Aili sunbathed in our backyard for a couple of hours. Had the iPod on, did a little reading, and sunned. We are two of the whitest people alive, and I mostly burn, but I think, living in California as we do, Aili likes doing this like I enjoyed being in London in the rain. Lee sat with her.

Back to the married kissing thing. When you're in a relationship for a long enough time, make out sessions tend to dry up. About a month back (and Aili and I, for the most part, don't have that much sex. I'm trying to get used to it, as I've essayed previously, but again TMI) we had sex with very little make out foreplay. And it struck me that we slowed that down. Aili said something that turned me on about it, though, she said that at this point, we're so Pavlovianly that a simple touch can get us in the mood, as it were. But I've insisted we have make out sessions some days I think partly cause I feel like I don't want to lose the excitement of it.
And today my wife smell of suntan oils and perfumes, and I got a sunburn. She laughs at this desire, but indulges it often enough. With her going back to the office now, I hope I don't go stir crazy.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

C'mon shorty, it(wa)s your birthday

Quentin Tarantino once said of RIO BRAVO "If I'm serious with a girl I show it to her, and she better fuckin' like it." Sunday I showed BALL OF FIRE to my wife. When she started laughing early on, I realized that I stopped being tense. She loved it, but how can you not? (the only answer to this is: if you have no soul). Still, if she didn't, drama.

Yesterday we got a babysitter around noon. We dropped Lee off with our neighbors, the wife sucked out the milk by ten A.M. and essentially had to admit to our neighborfriends that we wanted some alone time. She started getting dressed around three and around four we finally kicked into gear again, and I got dressed for my wife to drive me around. I normally drive, but she had something planned. I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, and she was wearing a smoking hot dress, the heels, the make up, the whole thing. She looked stunning. And it was all to take me to the New Beverly to see THE MACK and THE CHINESE MACK. For that my wife is awesome. She also mentioned that I had a "get out of jail free" pass to go to a bunch of these, and said that she wanted everyone to know on my birthday how hot and cool a wife I had.

THE MACK is a fucking entertaining movie, though Tarantino's print is missing a couple of scenes, but all the great lines are in there, like "You hear grown folks talking, you shut the fuck up" or "I'll blow your heart out your body, sucka." Or the tres un-pc "Hey, I don't hafta take this! I'm a rich nigga! I thought you paid these pooh- butts off! You beat walkin' motherfuckers!" The wife fell asleep early on in THE CHINESE MACK, but she woke up for the ending, which has the best death by groin injury scene in the history of cinema. She let me drive us home, and we got back around one-ish. We still had about an hour until I had to mozy over to the neighbors so we were all about a little fool around time, but neither of could stop quoting THE CHINESE MACK's line "Avoid the sins of the flesh!" Turning 31, awesome.

Monday, March 05, 2007


Sugarpuss: Yes, I love him. I love those hick Shirts he wears, with the boiled cuffs and the way he always has his vest buttoned wrong. He looks like a giraffe and I love him. I love him because he's the kind of guy that drunk on a glass of buttermilk. And I love the way he blushes right up over his ears. I love him because he doesn't know how to kiss, the jerk. I love him.

Betram: I'm just as surprised as you. Marriage? I thought I was married to my books. All I thought I could care for deeply was a correctly constructed sentence. The subject, predicate and verbular clause, each in its proper place. And then you -- You see, I've had rather a curious life. I graduated from Princeton when I was 13, I recited "Tiger, Tiger, Burning Bright" when I was a year old. Before I was two I could read fluently. People like that just -- well, you see, dust just pules up on their hearts.

It took you to blow it away.

Sugarpuss: Yeah, but I didn't mean to blow it smack into your eyes.

THIS ENTRY BROUGHT TO YOU BY SEXXXX (the extra three X's are for triple X)

At around 12:01 a.m. The wife emerged. She decided to wear a black wig, with a near Betty Page do. Her face was covered in make up, she did her lips up in bright red, with that outline shit. Her mascara was on. Her eyelids were powdered blue. She wore a black blouse, very tight, and a mini-skirt with nylons and fuck-me pumps. I was watching KNOCK OFF, and she entered the TV room. My wife looked pornographic. She told me not to say anything, but with the week of not fucking, and pheromones being what they are, I must admit I was excited. She unzipped my pants, and began to search in earnest. This had been a coordinated plan of attack. After bending over in my face, she found herself getting on her knees in front of me. She teased me as she moved her hands along my inner thighs. She stared at it, willing it to perform for her.

And then the baby monitor went off. Lee started crying up a storm. It was feeding time, too. Aili had two options, and she went with breast. I went up with her to take care of our kid, but when it was determined that it was a feeding issue, I went back downstairs. Aili came down a couple minutes later. She cuddled up to me and said she tried. Whenever she feeds the baby, I feel like that gives her a boundary of me being sexual with her. Whatever, I don't want to touch her nipples right after she's fed the kid. We fell asleep that way until about an hour ago,when Lee shit himself. When we woke up, half her make up was on my Velvet Underground Banana shirt.

I'm married and I have blue balls. My wife fucking did everything she could to make a special date, and we got fucked. But not literally. Still happy being 31. I'm going to bed.

Sunday, March 04, 2007



Aili won't have sex with me. Hasn't for the last couple. She wants me to store up for Monday-ish. It's been almost a week. I'm all like, hey what about Sunday round 1am. I'm watching movies. Fucking getting to fucking whatever for the weekend. She's been a part of it for some of it, but she's on baby duty tonight, cause I'm high as a fucking kite. On booze mind you. I'm going to give my wife a five minute thrill ride in less than 24 hours! WOO-HOO! I have a half finished bottle of Makers. The wife had a polite shot. I'm going to watch BALL OF FIRE with her tomorrow at some point. My spelling is fine while I'm drinking. I just wish I could keep my head up better. I'm tempted to work on my latest, but anything I'd write would be useless.

Friday, March 02, 2007

Just ran to the store

Got some supplies. This is my birthday weekend. The wifey is being nice to me, specially since she goes back to work on Tuesday (though she's been putting in a day or two for the last couple). After getting a bottle of Maker's and some Diet Pepsi, and some batteries, I went to the check out, and the couple behind me had one item: a box of condoms. I wanted to applaud. That's some bold shit. But if you want to fuck...

Question for the Ages #4

Do hard core Star Wars nerds coronate their bathrooms The Throne Room?

Also, Jabba's Palace?

Question for the Ages #3

Did Nelson Mandela see Lethal Weapon 2?

If so, did it make him cry?