Monday, August 03, 2009


Jay-Z has 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one. Problem #1: an unhealthy attitude toward women.

Problem #2: his Tailor has been mistakenly calling him J.D. For years now. Jay tried correcting him in '02, but it didn't take.

Problem #3 (and I quote): "DJ Qualls won't return my calls."

Problem #4: Montgomery Ward's return policies have been amended since he purchased his rideable lawn mower.

Problem #5: Now that he's married, his mother keeps making not-so-subtle hints about grandchildren.

Problem #6: Won't pay B's late fees on SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELLING PANTS 2, so the Blockbuster cashier always smart-eyes him.

Problem #7: He can never find a pair of pants that fit him just the way he likes them.

Problem #8: Loves Ovaltine, but it makes him really gassy.

Problem #9: Every time he sees @iamdiddy, can't help but remember that he lent BIG a c-note before he died. Kinda wants to ask for it.

Problem #10: The cat slept on his favorite T-shirt. Now it's all hairy.

Problem #11: SLEEPAWAY CAMP: not a great movie, but every once in a while Jay wakes up screaming after dreaming about it.

Problem #12: violently alergic to legumes.

Problem #13: always been "husky."

Problem #14: The last person to use the studio before him? Yeah, they definitely farted.

Problem #15: keeps saying that he lost two million in a Fonzie scheme.

Problem #16: Fave film: STARDUST MEMORIES. But still can't get Chris Rock to introduce him to Woody.

Problem #17: Has longed to master the robot, but has never felt he got all the way there.

Problem #18: Even with Selsun Blue, has never quite gotten the dandruff under control.

Problem #19: has an irrational distaste for people who wear red socks.

Problem #20: as his shrink says, like most artists, Jay-Z's swagger is a mask for someone who longs for affirmation and acceptance.

Problem #21: He's never said anything about it, but Rick Rubin's beard creeps him out.

Problem #22: Bill Cosby calls weekly to complain about his use of the word "Jigga.

Problem #23: Psoriasis

Problem #24: Can't shake the gnawing suspicion that Brooklyn may not, in fact, go hard.

Problem #25: Spends an inordinate amount of time trying to be the freshest. Methodically showers 6 times a day.

Problem #26: has mixed feeling about that time, when he was twelve, when actually did Rockafella, y'all.

Problem #27: Parking in New York.

Problem #28: record collection got covered in water during last move. Discs fine, but the covers are ruined.

Problem #29: Can't correctly pronounce "contingent"

Problem #30: past the point of asking weed dealer's real name again. Settles for calling him "my man" and "dawg."

Problem #31: Levar Burton outted him as a Trekker to US magazine.

Problem #32: Has alter-ego: Roca-man. Roca-man likes to fight crime. Mostly Tax injustices, though.

Problem #33: Mo Money.

Problem #34: Every time he gets really drunk, he decides it's time to remove all his body hair. Often wakes up hungover & half-shaved.

Problem #35: Can't get Can't Get You Out Of My Head out of his head .

Problem #36: is a werewolf.

Problem #37: Refers to himself in the third person as Michigan Jones.

Problem #38: Framers totally spilled some shit on his original lobby card for ANNIE.

Problem #39: played phone tag with Michael right before. Regrets deleting last message.

Problem #40: His OCD forces him to flush the toilet three times after a BM.

Problem #41: Oh, yeah, he's got OCD.

Problem #42: Noisy neighbors. Don't you know Jay-Z is trying to read?

Problem #43: Sometimes finds himself agreeing with "that cracker asshole" Bill O'Reilly.

Problem #44: Got Herpes, not from sex, instead from that year in JV wrestling.

Problem #45: every time he goes to Ralph's he feels like they rearranged the store just to mess with him.

Problem #46: It's like every month he has another ingrown toenail.

Problem #47: Bought a Spider Monkey that died after two weeks. Haunted with the thought he mishandled it.

Problem #48: Wants you to want him. Begs you to beg him. Needs you to need him. Hova.

Problem #49: Fantasizes daily about living in those old Dairy Queen commercials where there were fudge rivers & strawberry avalanches.

Problem #50: Doesn't like his personal trainer, but can't dump him without offending Denzel (who recommended the guy)

Problem #51: Though he's famous, he's still black in America. Fuck a white girl paranoia in an elevator (not literally, of course).

Problem #52: Same prank phone call every night for 2 weeks: Some teen screaming, "WHAT'S MY MUTHAFUCKIN' NAME!"

Problem #53: every time he flies, he thinks his plane is going to crash.

Problem #54: Regrets that he passed on having relations with Carla Bruni.

Problem #55: He got a Peace symbol tattoo when he was 16. He could get it removed, but now it's part of him.

Problem #56: looks terrible in a thong.

Problem #57: as a kid, jerked off into relative's Snoopy Snow Cone machine. Makes reunions awkward.

Problem #58: Jadakiss. Just doesn't like that guy.

Problem #59: Forgot the password for his email again. should really write that down somewhere.

Problem #60: Triskaidekaphobia.

Problem #61: hasn't heard back from Chuck D what he thought of Jay's pancake recipe.

Problem #62: Had a samurai sword. Had.

Problem #63: doesn't know how to politely tell B that he thought OBSSESSED stank.

Problem #64: AmEx still won't give him Centurion card even tho he asks nicely. Kanye flaunting his doesn't help.

Problem #65: That math that he didn't learn because "nobody ever needs this in real life"? Turns out rap stars use a LOT of algebra.

Problem #66: has to limit himself to six hours of The History Channel a week.

Problem #67: no one appreciates his spot-on Fredo impression.

Problem #68: mom has not forgiven him for using the phrase "up in them guts" in her presence.

Problem #69: Spent the last 10 yrs trying to learn Mandarin. Still can't say anything beyond "Where's the bathroom?"

Problem #70: will drive with the radio off, absent-mindedly turn down the volume, and then feel awkward.

Problem #71: iTunes shuffle always, without fail, plays "Arthur's Theme."

Problem #72: protracted lawsuit with off-brand version of self Ray-Z

Problem #73: too much e-mail Spam. Blames buying one Girls Gone Wild online (and it wasn't that good).

Problem #74: still bugged that the dealer laughed at him when he said he wanted his ride covered in "fine Corinthian leather"

Problem #75: often fantasizes about giving it all up to run a tanning salon.

Problem #76: Been asking to have the levels turned up on his mike for years, turns out he has some serious hearing loss.

Problem #77: inexplicably prejudiced against Eskimos.

Problem #78: loves his local deli, but he always asks for no mayo and they always add mayo. Why is this so hard?

Problem #79: the trident he purchased off eBay was not "near-mint."

Problem #80: doesn't know what hurts more: the fall, or knowing that he was so heavy he broke the hammock.

Problem #81: Nutritionist put him on a low-salt diet. But salt makes virtually everything taste better.

Problem #82: low sperm count.

Problem #83: sleep apnea

Problem #84: Reception in neighborhood spotty at best. No rhyme or reason for hot or cold spots.

Problem #85: knows that if he died, they'd probably let Hype Williams make the bio-pic.

Problem #86: Always carries a roll, but hates using cash. Way harder to expense shit that way.

Problem #87: No, guy at the pharmacy, I don't want to have a rap battle, I just want my topical calcipotriene.

Problem #88: You can be the President of the united states, Brad Pitt or Jay, it don't matter, EVERYONE waits at the DMV.

Problem #89: Will never get those 84 minutes back from MEET THE SPARTANS.

Problem #90: The Internet keeps recycling the rumor that he ghost-wrote "Who let the dogs out." Has contacted snopes. No reply.

Problem #91: some days he can't get anything done until he gets a mango smoothie.

Problem #92: Snoop Dogg always says to him "you look good, have you lost some weight?" even if he hasn't. And it feels like mockery.

Problem #93: Lebron James texts like a twelve-year-old girl.

Problem #94: New shrink strict Freudian, wants to discuss every time Jay's used the word "motherfucker" in a song.

Problem #95: knows mySpace is dead, and that he should join facebook, but after it and Friendster is tired of uploading all his shit.

Problem #96: Starts sweating way too easily.

Problem #97: nail biter

Problem #98: for reasons he can't disclose, not allowed back in South Dakota

Problem #99: co-owns the New Jersey Nets.